coming to terms

by the moment i start putting these words together, i'm realizing a series of things; one of them is the fact that this is a very personal text that expresses a specific and subjective piece of mind that is happening as i write. but, in spite of its briefness, there's more to this post, so be warned.

at this moment in my life, i'm raising the awareness of the fact that i've spent more than two months in a deep shock. i've experienced two very painful losses that combined caused the wreck responsible of these lousy lines you're reading. fortunately, your numbers are not high to say the least, and for that we must be thankful. to whom? honestly i don't have the slightest clue.

in hindsight i can recall awfully painful moments in my life, and my continuous determination for that grief to fade with time, or events of such nature to never happen again. said determination has been proved pointless over and over again, leaving yours truly exposed to the unmeasurable amount of pain that, one one hand, is moving me to leave this message, and, on the other, is causing for it to take a decent amount of effort to make a slight hint of sense.

my guess is that, maybe, our psychological innards have us equipped with fancy defense mechanisms that numb the hurt for a while, and help us survive within a minimum standard, according to those terms we call "common sense". that temporary numbness of the parts in pain can allow you to work your rational skills, but severely impair your emotional abilities, making you jump from place to place in a steep roller coaster that shakes your world, and sometimes the environment around you, in upward and downward spirals that barely touch states of hope, but surely sink you in depression for brief periods to lift you up again to that neurotic cheerful mood that makes you scared of yourself sometimes.

so, said state of shock is washing away, leaving a pain that has been proved to remain strong with time, and accumulating with each hit, never to depart. proof of this is the insomniac nights, the continuous state of anxiety and the feeling of "weight" that makes you perform any simple task way slower and with much more effort than usual.

by the time i got to realize what's the matter with me, nobody would like to listen to all this crap, and that's why i'm writing it down.

i'm afraid that shock is definitely wearing off, and it's leaving behind a person in pain, severely wounded so many times that he's plain scared he might not make it this time. anyway, life never struck that badly before, and one is never ready to take the punishment.

anyway, being used as i am to not being understood, no matter how many words i put in it, at very least,wish me luck. i might as well need it.